I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
