So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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