she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
