just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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