I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
