You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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