Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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