Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Too much gin, very little bucket
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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