The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
