Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
