haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
