ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
