and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize