The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
