just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
