dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
