Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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