"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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