We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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