and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
