sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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