he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
