you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
