I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
