Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
