i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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