I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
