I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
