Where is the hickey?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
