The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
