he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
