Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
