i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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