dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
