dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
