so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh god it's open bar.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
