Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
