I cannot find my penis.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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