fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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