I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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