This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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