I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
