He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
