My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize