Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
