3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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