in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
