i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
