when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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