He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
