I hate all girls vehemently.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
