I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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