I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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