with your own penis?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
