shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
