JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
