I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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