just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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