he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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