Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
