I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
from now on my penis is your penis
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
