Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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