My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
