Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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